Notes from an
FRANK from Phoenix, Arizona, who
was visiting Suva from Phoenix,
"Recently I was honoured to be selected
as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
Here are the scorecards
from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A
little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice,
smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These people are
Curry # 2:
Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky,
with a hint of Beef. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this
out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn
Down the Barn curry
Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red
Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black
bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to
burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting
to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
JUDGE TWO: Curry
using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are
ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off? It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them!
Curry # 6: Sashi's Very Vegetarian
JUDGE ONE: Thin
yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t
Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A
mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of curry peppers at the last
moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
FRANK: You could
put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a fcuking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match
my damn shirt. At least during
the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, it's too painful. Fcuk it, I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A
perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good,
balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd
have reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note:
Judge #3 was unable to report)